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::blah:: [5.29.12 1:30am]
[ mood | blah ]

Dear Journal,

So sitting in my first NY apartment. Stressing about 18931273832179 things at once and reallyyy need to finish unpacking lol. Can't stop thinking about one thing in particular...the fact I really haven't lived. ....omg how the fuck did i get distracted by tumblr for almost an hour in the middle of typing that X_x Anyways back to the topic. I have done nothing in my life so far. As 'outgoing' and 'rebellious' as I've been conceived as, I really haven't lived. I still kept with in certain boundaries, worked 24/7, and just lived day-to-day. A few people find what I've done with coming to NY as 'incredibly courageous' but I don't feel like I've done anything at all. I feel like I've just begun to step into my life. There's been some crazy shit going on along the way but I'm still back to what I was doing before...workworkwork. Just to survive. I don't want to only 'survive', I want to LIVE. I still have anxiety with going out....not that it matters because i'm always at work X_x I don't know. Its like, I don't have a social life. Even back home majority of the people I called close turned their backs on me in the end. Same as up here. I can't seem to find someone I'd want to keep in my life...I guess watching my two best friends find men that really make them happy and seem like they will always stick with is making me feel left out. I never really experienced the whole teen-age-dating thing. As an adult I've only either been in a serious relationship, 'cut-friends', and chasing type situations. I only have one life to live, more than 1/4 of it down already and I feel like I've done nothing. ugh Its putting me in a bad place. =[ I need to promise myself to be more devoted to my dream. To accomplish it. If I am missing out on memories of love and fun times then I damn sure need to get my ass working on making memories of completing my dreams!!!

cmnt memories edit

<3 [3.25.12 12:55pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Dear Journal,

Sooo pretty sure that my last 928374982374823771289 posts were mostly depressing. In all honesty I've been in and out of depression for a longggg ass time. I know my personality and certain areas I do have some issues with, but it was getting ridiculous! I had no will to do the things I wanted, to complete my projects. The only things I can think about caring about were; my close friends, sleeping, pool, and trying to accidentally run into the few men I was attracted to...which were all either douche bags or I didn't know very well. The past few years my weight constantly fluctuates, I've started looking more tired, skin getting worse, nails thin and short....everything about me physically started looking just old and tired. Yeahyeah age does that but I'm really beginning to feel that it wasn't only just the working 7821387173 hours a week, and yes the drinking so bad really hurt, but I think the fact I was down was a HUGEE factor.

Since I moved up here, yeah things have been rough but, I've already noticed so many differences! I have zero alcohol cravings, my nails are the longest they've been naturally in years(and strong too!), I've already lost notable weight according to others(though I don't see it...except in my legs), I'm hardly mad/sad/etc. I don't know a lot of things are changing!! I feel amazing. Yes I'm still a bit scared about what all is to come for me. NYC can be intimidating some times. I'm not sure why but it is. Its the first time I've actually felt the NEED to appear physically attractive. Yet ironically the main style up here is to appear like you-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-found-this-super-chic(sorry these prints blehh)-vintage-dress-in-a-thrift-store-that-my-great-aunt-would-have-worn-but-i-totally-make-it-look-hot kind of style. i dunno i feel the need to dress up a bit when in Manhattan. ahah. bah i will finish this later, woke up when my roomie dropped something, didn't quite have enough sleep!

cmnt memories edit

::so much to do:: [1.15.12 2:29am]
[ mood | sick ]

Dear Journal,
gah so much to do. I've slacked so much and I know why I have...just need to work on fixing it. I am scared of all the changes and the uncertainty of the outcomes. I start worrying over what I need to get done instead of just doing it. I believe it comes from my feeling for lack of accomplishment. I wish my parents had praised me a bit more growing up. or at least encouraged me. I think that is it the big one I needed. The few things I really remember treasuring, they tended to not understand. It makes me feel like what I do do won't be accepted so why bother, or that it won't be good enough no matter how well I personally know its done.

Well on that note I need to get some shit accomplished! Life is too damn short and I have known exactly what I've wanted to do and how to go about it...I've just been to scared to do it.


cmnt memories edit

dreams [1.10.12 4:19am]
[ mood | hungry ]

Just woke up I've only been in bed since 11 I hate when this happens. lol I had a weird and vivid dream. I don't remember how it started out but I 'woke up' in it to a sound in my room only to find a beautiful crow stealing my rat food. I let him out through my balcony door which he seemed grateful for and when I turned around this guy deejay was standing there eating a sandwich and reassuring that the crow wasn't a dream. He started down stairs to put the rest of what he was eating in the fridge and I was like fuckkkk mama lee is going to be woken up and so confused by him!! I freaked out and ran to my door only to find it more mid-morning time with anna on the stair well talking to him. she turned to me and said it was someones birthday and she had tons of cupcakes different sizes and flavors and nodded to two large boxes. She told me to go get ready that everyone would start arriving. When i walked back into my room I noticed that it was about 3.5 ft wider so I now had room and a vanity/dresser on the wall side of my bed. I grabbed my clothes out it, showered and as I came out of the bathroom i realized there was new huge room all done in gold and peach and looked really elegant. I walked through it telling everyone I knew in it I would be ready in a moment. There were two guys there that seemed familiar but I saw their faces and didn't know them personally. I knew that for a fact in my dream and when I woke up. It was a black guy and white guy. The black guy was crazy quiet only really nodding his head in agreement. The white guy was fairly tall slightly olive skin dark eyes and almost black hair. Lanky but tone wearing a black sweater and dark jeans. He didn't have a 'manly' look to him yet gave off an aura that said it. I knew his name before he came up to introduce himself with a huge puppy dog smile. It was Raven. I introduced myself as 'Jess' and told everyone I'd be a minuet and continued to my room which was the door way that is normally my closet. lol I was wearing an outfit I normally wouldn't wear unless I was just throwing something on and super focused on putting my new fake nails on. o_O I left my door open and they followed me in as I finished getting ready. The black guy leaned up against the wall quietly really seeming more and more like bodyguard. While raven plopped down on my bed reading a comic book incredibly naturally. I talked to him through the mirror reflection for a moment thinking how weird it was that I wasn't getting mad at a stranger for invading my space like that. When I turned around to speak to him he just smiled and in a manner I would normally be pissed at as it was so pushy, he asked me 'after the party or another day could he take me out to dinner or something similar in a public place and return me home/here or another specified before hand location at a time of my choosing.' It was like one long breath. lol It was half nervous in what was said but the way it was actually said had not even the faintest sound of hesitation nor nervousness. It was ended in that huge smile too. I don't know what it was I couldn't say no. Then he looked towards his 'bodyguard' and his facial expression changed and he said that he had to go but he would be back before the end of the party. and then I really awoke. lol

Its just really weird to me that generally I see ravens as bad omens yet when I woke up I no longer see them as bad omens and except for a few dreams I never remember the faces when I woke up. Ravens I remember. Its also the first time I knew the name of the person in a dream because they spoke it, usually its just intuitive.

I don't even remember the faces of my closest friends when I wake up. Only 3 and now, 4, do I remember. Two of are kids one little boy around the age of 5 who I know is my son and I call Binx and one of a precious little daddys girl named around the age of 3. I've seen them more than once and always have the same feelings towards them. =] Then there was a guy. Once again I've never seen this man before. I was traveling down a side walk in a city and I saw him at a distance, strikingly handsome he was wearing a heather grey knit cap and i think had glasses. He had lighter hair like a dark dirty blond and had a hoodie on under his jacket. He walked straight up to me and said only 'Your going to be a really good mum' smiled one killer smile and walked off. So fucking random. X_x

cmnt memories edit

my dad. [1.9.12 7:01pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

I am so unbelievably stressed right now. It shouldn't be a huge matter to tell my father i'm moving but it is for me. >_< I love my father hes tried his hardest in most ways but hes got serious issues. He's a hypochondriac, with majorrrrrr paranoia issues, and a splash of 'never-grew-up'. So telling a man who really believes in 2012 and that nyc will be destroyed and even when i marry will call every day and flips out if one day has gone by that i don't answer and who desperately needs to be right and always in control when he really has no actual control of it....that your moving to nyc really sucks. The only out comes of me telling him that i can think of are a)he drops dead of a self induced stroke/heart attack; b)he puts himself in a panic attack and we wind up in the hospital tonight; c)he cusses me out and tells me to leave and then continuously calls me crying and apologizing since i'm sure what he would say would be incredibly hurtful; d)when hell freezes over he is ok with the whole thing but has pawned my car again which i need to sell for moving expenses; or e)does most of the above plus refuses to switch my title over thinking it will keep me here....it won't and he wont find that car again. ugh
parents should back their children. my parents dont really even know anything about me when I think about it. its really pretty sad. what I do tell them generally goes in one ear and out the other and they start talking about their own problems/ideas. Its even more sad that I've had the same dream since I was in middle school yet they still don't really know it nor believe I can achieve it. I love them and I feel they love me...most of the time at least, but they've both always been quicker to judge and punish than to congratulate or praise. i told when I was younger it was different, that they wore my macaroni jewelry proudly and bragged about my abilities but I really have no memory of it. I remember my dad being an ass and thinking it was funny to tell some random stranger that 'his daughter could beat your honor students ass' which during a point in my life that all i did was martial arts made me become shy about it. I remember my mom telling me to show my aunt judy my artwork since she was an artist. All aunt Judy cared about was that I had learned a bit of french since she was dating a french guy, yet she seemed so disappointed in both my art and how much french I had learned. Apparently my art was not mainstream nor classic enough and at age 15 I should be fluent in a language that I just began studying....I really just dont understand my family. I wish I had a close one like my friends or i've seen on tv, I would probably be much less of an introvert. I hope to one day be an amazing mom with an amazing family. and Its really sad thinking about how I probably won't leave my kids alone with my own parents just because of the things theyve said around me, I really don't want them to say it around my own children. My parents aren't bad people they just never got over them selves. most people tend not to. I firmly believe that to really love another you've got to love yourself first. You've got to accomplish your own dreams so that nothing holds you back from loving your spouse and children. my parents never did that so they constantly had remarks to make over 'this held me back' 'you held me back' 'i never got to do this' and the whole time trying to be 'parently' and push me in a certain direction(college, etc.) with out having any idea what I wanted from life just wanting to see me complete something they didn't. That shouldn't be the way it works. They should support my dreams and help me through them unless i'm doing something dangerous to myself. ughh which even that is a thin line since 'everything is dangerous' god forbid my dad ever finds out that i went racing around town on the back of crotch rocket at 90+ mph and even popped a wheelie hes fucking scared of mopeds!!! he wrecked one and got all banged up >_< ughhhhh
Well i guess i got some of my anger out and thoughts together guess its time to go tell him before I chicken out.
btw my ex paul is one amazing man, besides our deff problems together he has always been there and I really do treasure him as a friend to this day. <3

cmnt memories edit

i'm currently pissed and using this to vent my anger [6.12.09 11:18pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Dear Journal,

so i should be asleep right now but nooooooo paul had to be a fucking asshole and wake me up with a lecter and as soon as i was up fucking run out the door. I have just gotten asleep when he got here and now i'm only going to get like 5 hours of sleep before i have to be at work. fucking asshole. =D

and today was supposed to be a good day. i got a 23 cent raise. and a great review at work which is leading me to having more responsiabllities and more hours and maybe just maybe another raise soon. so my day although it was a long one was a good day. i was mostly productive at school and am making a new friend =] came home ate and fell asleep.

only to have paul come in and bitch that i'm the reason he cant go to school next semester. HE has NOOOO concept of money and is fairly well off he makes wayy more than me a month and is complaining because i have finally agreed to let him pay some of the bills. The past few months i have reluntantly let him help due to him not shutting up and me needing the help. now he keeps throwing that shit in my face. HE FUCKING OFFERED!? now he's saying that he has no money because of me? last month he helpped me out with 550 dollars due to him throwing 350 at me when my mom accidentally made me over draft and 200 on cable i only have because hes here(which he constantly says that i need to turn off yet bitches when i tell him to turn off the tv at night.)this month so that that doesn't happen again i told him just a flat 300 rent from him. my rents 560 plus 100 for cable another 100 for elect 40 for water etc. with him buying dinner most of the time(not all i may add i usually try to bring him food if i'm working late and hes here and at least a week and a half out of everymonth(if not more)is leftovers/i cook(cheaper)) so we probably pay around the same. ughhh it just makes me sooo mad that he asked to help and preaches that he wants to help and then turns that shit around on me.

sorry intermission thinking about it made me more angery so i had to call and be a bitch. not something i normally do but i'm pissed.

we shouldn't be together, hell i shouldn't be with anyone right now. this shit is stressing me out and has been for 3 years.

hrmm i think i'm going to go cut my hair =/ i need to feel refreshed

cmnt memories edit

::bahh:: [4.9.09 7:59pm]
Dear Journal,

soo i totally tried to leave lj but yeahh that failed.

anyways i feel like a man in love ahahhahaha raine yang is soo goddamn cute hahahaha

besides that life is confusing just as always. ermmmmmmm yeah

i'm going to try to cut my hair tonight....to raine's length cause its cuteeeeee

and i'm about to start working out like crazyyyyyy. i really want to lose weight and get in shape.
and to have some engery would be nice hahaha

ermmmmm i feel like i should be hanging with anna right now. =[ shes sick and keits hogging herr that pooperrr.

man i'm in this really weird mood. i just feel kinda dazzed.

ermmm thats all for now.

2 cmnt memories edit

::alive:: [3.11.09 10:28am]
[ mood | drained ]

Dear Journal,

so I was kinda going to end this one but I became too frustrated with the new way to do layouts on lj and decided to say fuckit for now.

I started seriously studing Chinese as of late. I only ever use it with anna but Donna(her cousin) heard me and complimented my speech sooo I got a bit of a boost of confidence with the language =] I'm still studing Japanese also but its some what on hold due to my frustrations. And it's a damn lie saying that Chinese is the hardest! learning to hear it and correctly say it is more different than most other languages but Thai and Veitnamese and Korean are about on the same level if you come from a latin based background. As far as sentence sturcture, Japanese takes the cake. There are soooo many fucking little extra words to make a sentence mean somthing, the structure its self won't make sence to most latin based people, all the conjugations that you need to remember, differentuating when to use what word, etc. It's fucking nuts X_X basics are easy as pie but passed that the world of Japanese is confusing as shit. I dunno maybe its because when i start to learn something I want to know ALL of it RIGHT THEN ahahah Which is probably why I start stressing over it and it stops being a hobbie. With Chinese though, I'm finding that I'm not stressing. I'm learnign it easier because of that too. well that and I have someone to speak with/ask questions to whos right there and i know well. ANNNDDD i used to watch a lot of taiwanese dramas =] hah i dunno its fun though and I'm trying not to let myself feel rushed.

In other news~

I went to ATL this past weekend with anna, kiet, Jessen, and Jeff. John was also supposed to go but couldn't due to work. such a shame. We left early sat morning and got there around 1. First thing was FOOD. some delish dimsum~~ We met up with Donna, her boyfriend, her friend Taylor, and two of Jessen's friends(they only ate with us soo I cant remember their names) woot it was delish I dont even remember anything else besides eating there. When leaving we headed to the strip to look around and shop. bah 1 store I hadnt been to before but pretty okie place. We were supposed to come back to a resturant there called 'the strip' but it was a 2 hour wait soo we tried a place called Geisha House which was beautiful but ended up not eating there due to nooo service, instead when chilled at long horn ahahha. but we had a great time chatting there. our server was great! and I had an amaretto sour which was delish.

our trip ended the next day lateeeee afternoon after running errands for the store and resturant. bahhh I loveee asain markets sooo much to see and choose from. =] <~~~~ I LOVE FOOD

somethings to remember and no one will ever get these but us,
->Affle(pronouced awfal) Hoe
->The Ater Satellites

bahh there were soo many it was fun~<3

Todays my moms birthday. I feel bad being nicer to my mom compared to my dad...=/ I should be nicer to my dad. He's just a clusmy oof who doesn't mean to hurt people. this year I'll give my dad somthing nice for his birthday and christman, probably food since I really don't want him to pawn what I give him.

thats all for now, I neeeeeedddd to do some dishes =/


cmnt memories edit

::been a while:: [2.25.09 4:18pm]
Dear Journal,

I felt that needed to catch up on a few things.

I got my nails done for the first time and i love them =] I would show a picture but my cameras dead =/ not that it would matter since they've already started growing out and i've chipped them a good bit at work =/ but still i really like them and am deffinitally going to go back to get the re done...probably next week.

I really didn't expect much on v-day. expecially with how paul has been acting but it turned out romantic =] i worked all of valintinesday til almost ten. Came home and saw no sign......wait let me back track to say how that day started~~~~woke up at around 10 went to go get some breakfast foods but my car wouldn't start.....pauls parents came over to help and we went with them to go eat right before i had to be at work....dropped my work shirt in a poodle of yellow mud at the resturant....and that was alll on top of paul being an ass about having to eat dinner with my mom the night before....needless to say the day was sucking~~~~now back to after work. we ate mc d's i saw no signs of v-day and i started to get pissed. Paul suggested a I take a shower and relax. When opening the shower curtian i found a bath already drawn, a single rose, and a candle going. turning around i found paul holding a bottle of plum wine and a wine glass. =] I became happy inabout 2 seconds. We went to eat thai the next day. =] it turned out wayyy better than i thought at first. I feel bad for having doubts but if you knew him you'd understand.

My hours are going more smoothly at work though i did work 24hours nearly straight that sunday through monday. aero-sunday7pm-1am toys-mon4am-9:30am toys-mon11am-6pm and then the next day was a double too. but hell it means that i can make my bills tis month and i'm not going to complain.

My mom claimed me on her taxes which led to me getting jack shit back. today though we struct a deal and she gave me 500 of hers. honestly i was aiming for more but i'll take it for this year.

she's such a selfish person. today when i went to talk to her about it she started going on and on about 'the mother curse' where how bad you treat your parents will be given back 10 fold in your children. she said that when she moved out she saw this disabilty check her father recieved as her money(how i don't know) and they gave it to her even though it led to them putting up a second morgage on their house. she compared that to our situation where she SELFISHLY claimed ME even though she doesn't support me because it would hurt her if she didn't. instead i'm living paycheck to paycheack supporting my slef litterally not having a life when i should be considering my age. at this age i should be in school supported by my parents working a little on the side to by food and gas, going out partying going on trips, getting into trouble, and such. i should be living.I have weeks when i work 60 hours(though at the moment retail is slow and im maxing at 40) and generally even now i go days with only a few hours of sleep trying to make all the hours i can at work. gyuhsfnomkadl, wow i was totally cool a few minutes ago but thinking back on things now i'm really pissed my mom is a selfish bitch.

i had more to write but i want to cool down first.
cmnt memories edit

::Yesterday was one of the most amazing days of my life:: [1.6.09 8:58am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Dear Journal,

so yesterday was just amazing so much good fortune and none bad.

Lets seee I had to be at work at 6am but I was working in the bays which I really enjoy doing. =] I started working with larry whos awesome and then later with Gunther who is actually really close to Gregory! Which is crazy. ahhaha and Gunther looks like someone my mom would go after. He was actually pretty cool. we joked but got a good bit of work done.

Also in the store was a guy who had come to help us with our remodel he was one of the people who thought that I was the back of house supervisor. he stopped me when i was leaving first off confused on why i was leaving so early( only had a fucking 4 hour shift) to ask if they had given me the position I told him no and that they had instead given it to a girl who had only been there a month. he was pissed which made me feeel awesome hahah. he said that if i would be able to transfer to his store that I would be brought into the right position. tobad i can't. =/ but at least i have someone who sees that I'm worth something.

after work I left to pick up my mail and get my clothes together so I could do laundry. =] I had one bill, the water bill and it was only 40 somthing bucks WOOTTT i'm poor an dthats an awesome number for 2 months.

I then took all my clothes to annas to wash. I got to hnag with anan, watch blade, and read anita blake!~~~~ so an all around good time washing clothes.

Right when I started to get tired anan came back home with an xmas gift for me. she handed me these cute glasses( the kind with the slatsin them) that were blue and hearts aahah I felt soo bad because how I asked to reassure my self that that was the gift for xmas came out really wrong but I had a tendency to... i don't know be retarded when it comes to getting gifts ahaahh.

After that I was redestracted with blade when anan told me to close my eyes so i did and suddenly there was a ds sitting on my lap. Anna bought me a ds for christmas and the chinese and japanese coaches. i fucking bawled. I had no understanding over what was happening. I mean I was seriously happy over my desk and vaccume cleaner. but damnnn. It put me in shock.
Anna you are fucking awesome and not just for the ds but also for the words that came with it. not completely in quote but "You've beeen through a lot of shit latly and you deserve somthing nice. and I don't always show it but your my best friend and mean a ton to me." Those 2 sentences in themselves ment the world to me. I didn't know what to do for the next hour. So we watched prince caspian which was awesome. anna I really can't thank you enough.

My day probably would have ended with a little more goodness on top but I was passed out by 9:30 =/ oh well theres always today. I'm just waitiong for someplace to open so i can eat I'm starving. ahahha.


cmnt memories edit

::waiting for laundry:: [12.17.08 7:46pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Dear Journal,

I'm bored out of my mind at the moment. I have things I could be doing I just don't want to do anything besides go home. =/ but my laundry is taking foreverrrrrrrr.

bahhh I have to work tonight and then open at areo tomorrow. I'm nervous. I shouldn't be but I am what sucks is I'll have to leave by 7:30 at the latest from work in the morning so that I have time to go take a shower and get to aero on time =/ I'll litterally be working from 10 tonight til like either 4 or 6 tomorrow. X_X and then I have work again at 10 tomorrow night.

bahh I'm gonna dieeeee.

besides all that. I am making the new years resolution to work out 24/7 and eat right. I don't want to be buff but in shape, lean, and jive. I say this every year though but I've been losing weight and I would really like to cut down even more. I almost wish I still had my arobics class becasuse my legs thined soo quickly with it. aparentally just being up and on your legs walking/running around and climbing up ladders is not enough to get/keep them in shape. =[ but damn I wish it was.

bahhh I wish rina reee was home this place is soo scary at night

pauls sad.

bahhh i want to leaveeeee


cmnt memories edit

::yeah I never post and no one reads this ahha:: [12.16.08 10:58am]
[ mood | awake ]

Dear Journal,

So life has never slowed down, but I have learned to destress a bit. I guess I could easily say that I just stopped caring but thats not it. I do care about everything thats happening around me. I'm just teaching myself that I can't be as affected by it all as I have been. I have to be mindful of everything but focus on what needs to be done.

My dad's still living at the shelter and I still can not help that. I already have more going out then coming in so I really can not support him. That and I will never leave my car alone with him again.

I started working at areopostale. I enjoy it. It's nice to finally get to work with clothing and I've already learned so much on how everything works and types of cuts for pants. Plus the the staff there is awesome. Much more laid back then TRU. And yes I still work at TRU and continue to get in trouble. The other day I was almost written up. I just don't like being told to help being do a job that I am forced to do by myself, nor do I like being asked to do that by the new supervisor whom I trained and then after a month being there gained the position I wanted. I'm human therefore I'm bitter.

Saturday I had a destresser. =D I wish I had some pictures of it. =/ ahhaha
Well ya seeeeee, I went to Kiet's house saturday night for a party of sorts in celebration of college graduations and a birthday. 1st off I will never drink that much again. =] I am still paying for it. X_x but man that was such a fun night. I needed it soo bad. Lets seeee the people I knew there were Keit, Anan, Jessen, John, Hayman, Jeff, Courtney, Chou, Vu...I think thats it. and I met some new people but I don't remember most of the names. =/ A really awesome girl hahah damn a lot people and I can't recall anynames. X_X Everything started up slowly mostly with some of us watching TV and talking but then Vu dragged us into playing Ring of Fire. holy shit. I think I only played 2 rounds....I think ahahdha. It was so much funnnnn. it started with like 5 people and ended with everyone there standing around watching or playing. In the end I had like 3 1/2 smirnoff ices an 3 bacardi umm fuck the ones like smirnoff ice ahaah and a half a glass of rum with a little bit of coke. hahahh and it was barly any coke. holy shit. I knocked the shit out of my arm which I kinda remember doing but at that point I really thought I was completely in control. No one else seemed to think so though ahah. And by the end of the night I couldn't fucking get to the couch I was to sleep on. I had to have help from John and then had to have help again to get the fucking cover undone. I was a retard. ahahhahha.
bahh thinking back it was just so much fun but I consumed wayyy too much. I could have stopped before the rum and coke and would have been good.
The next day 8 am I was up and puking til like 1 or 2pm. I burnt the shit out of my throat and it still hurts ahhaha. oh well I wouldn't take back that night for anything. I ready for another just a bit less on the alchol.

woot long update and now I've got to clean the apartment. Its gross =[ because I've been super busy and tired.

over and out~<3

cmnt memories edit

::parents:: [11.21.08 6:12pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Dear Journal,

they wont shut up.



no i don't hate my parents but everytime i try to be nice and be their daughter they were out the welcome.

I wouldn't mind it all that much if it wasn't always poor me flying out of there mouth. my problems don't matter. I stopped telling them my problems so that they wouldn't have strokes(since they both stress teh fuck out) and when i did my mom's response was always "o so thats whats going on? well it's nothing compared to my problems because I had ......blahblahbnlah" and my dad would freak out and act like a woman overreacting on the situation and then be like "but its ok because i love you buba and i always will. dont you ever forget that" only to come and find out that he's done something stupid behind my back. =[

They have been driving me nuts.

but I can't cut ties with them like paul says i should. though he acts like he doesn't have many ties with his family but hes a mama's boy >=P

bah what ever.

my parents really don't realize how much I stress because of them and the minute I try to explain it to either of them its a huge fucking pity party for them that turns into me getting yelled at that I'm such a horrible daughter even by fucking old ladies calling me to scream at me who know them. X_x it's retarded. not that I don't already have a guilty feelings jus from growing up to the point where I feel that I HAVE to provide for them as they get older. no that sounds wrong the way its said. ermmm see I grew up thinking that it was respectful for the children to take care of the parents who brought them up(this i didn't learn living in their houses). In their houses I grew up feeling that I had to never hinder them because it was their lives and I was just a piece that costed them money. yes I felt my parents cared for me but I never saw them as grown and therefore felt like a burden from a very early age. I remember my mom asking me as a kid how I felt about her going out at night and leaving me at the house(probably around age 9 or so) and I just replied that she worked hard and deserved to enjoy her life. Thinking back now, where does a nine-year-old learn to think like that? ahahha and I always had to lie to them for the other one(they were divorced early when I was 5)

I learned very quickly that my parents did not have money. and acted accordingly. though my mom will never let me live it down the time I had a tantrum in a store. I don't know what age I was but I couldnt have been more than 6 or 7 and I was sick. apparently she was scraping together change in order to get me meds and I started to hold my breath over wanting a toy of somesort. i passed out and she pulled my arm out of socket during the ordeal. I was such a huge embaressment for her at that time. I was a child. a child in pain from a fever who didn't realize now think about the fact that I couldn't have that toy due to the cost.

bah. i'm ranting. i'm just angery at the way people think of children. I promise that I will never be like that because of my children(once i have some). I won't be like these people in stores who scream at there kids who cry over not getting a toy. its a fact of life that children will act like that, they don't understand why they can't have it ecpecially ones that they can play with while its still in the box. they think its they'res since they started to play with it already. gah.

people suck. they need to grow up. but people and expecially americans are selfish and do not think about anyone but themselves. and growing up in that kind of enviroment will only bring in more people who think that way. I don't know what happened to me and why I didn't end up thinking just like my parents.

i'm sitting here trying to figure it out but I really cant. almost everyone I know grew up to act the same as their parents/siblings. gah i really don't know and now thats going to bug me

anyway. i hsould stop. this wasjust to rnat so that I wouldn't make my fever any worse by being angery(at least til i get to work)


cmnt memories edit

::Life:: [9.25.08 2:49pm]
Dear Journal,

A lot of shit has gone down over the past few weeks. I'm at the point where i'm soo baffled and confused that i just don't know what to do.

I've come to terms with what has happened with my car and having to pay the extra money. luckly it inspired diana to keep me as night crew for a bit though i know as soon as i don't have school in dec i will be working around the clock =[ not that i mind though i'll need the extra money. I really want to be bumped up to a supervisor position. theres one spot left on the tru side and one of the ladies who is about to be switched to overnights and doesnt want to be. i don't mind continuing my overnights and i reallyyy wouldn't mind doing exactly what i'm doing now expect having that job title of supervisor and the extra 3-4 dollars an hour. i would probably have to quit spanky's then or just work one night a week or somthing so that i could get my 40 hours at tru. i would not particularly mind it. I enjoy working at spanky's and would not like to quit but that pay would make quite the difference in my life.

i'm hoping i'm hoping.

I haven't spoken to my dad since sunday. i'm nervous to call and find out any badnews. He's been freaking out soo bad latly. completely pitiful but with such a huge wall of unneeded pride. the prie causes him to be an ass with people which causes him more problems. I am really stressing that he will do somthing stupid. I think about things like who would i walk with on my wedding day and such if he pulled some stupid stunt. its not somthing i want to think about. my dad is supposed to be there to walk me one day. oddly when mrs. cindy passed i was soo pissed about the same thing. don't get me wrong i was pissed that shed do that to tyler and his sister and my mom but I was so mad that she wouldn't be there one day when tyler marries. the mom is supposed to be there tearing up in the front row.

I think that if he did pull any kind of stunt i should be prepared in things for the future. on this topic i, as weird as it may be since i did not grow up with punky, might ask tylers dad to do the honors. i didn't get to spend much time with punky growing up but tyler is family to me. and so is punky. OR I would ask anna's dad to. he has been a huge parental figure in my life for a very long time. but he's already going to have to walk soo many girls down that isle ahahah.

bahhh i need to stop thinking about it. i've had soo much on my mind latly. i'm very very worrried about the future and its inhibiting me from being able to really accomplish my goals. though i'm letting it worry me i know. Its just feelings that are hard for me to really let slide past.

in other news i dropped my english. i'll pick it up next semester.

and i've got some work i need to get done. so i will be going.

please wish me luck!!!!

o and i want wings sooooo bad. real ones. ahahha <~~~odd yesyes i know. but images of wings are comforting to me and i need to be comfortable.
cmnt memories edit

::stressing:: [9.8.08 12:45pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Dear Journal,

i don't really have time to be writing this but i'm about to freak out. i'm stressing to the point that i'm begining to feel physically ill.

i hate money. i hate life. i hate fuckng everything. or at least i'd like to. i'd love to run away from all of my problems and shove them on other people but i can't emotionally do that.

I hate this so much. i don't want to ask others for help but i'm going to have to. no choice at all. and now although pauls been so sweet and supportive i know that we are beging to fint over money because he wants to help and i don't want to let him although i'm about to have no choice.

Hes going to be so pissed when he finds out about the sewing machine. though i saved up for that and it can make me some money. i wouldn't have spent that extra money if i had known this shit was going to happen. i have to put out over 200 today. getting insurance, my phone bill and gas. i probably won't eat. i really don't have all this money i was going to have plenty even if i had to pay my insurance but not with this car payment on top. i need to see where the hell my student loan is. though i shouldn't it would be a good boost for this fucking shit.

i really don't want to borrow money from people. i wanted to be idependant and its all coming back to kick me in the face.

fuckfuckfuckfufcksdhigk jajkdxgfjkshd'k

i need to do a whole english paper in 20 min. yayy. this suckks.

guess i should go.

goddamn it. let me have a fucking break. i beg of everyone.


cmnt memories edit

::beat:: [9.4.08 8:56am]
[ mood | exhausted ]


I am just too exhausted. with all this stupid drama going on plus school and work and now worring about money, i'm just completely fucking beat. i can barly stay awake but i have to get some shit done for school =/

....i might take an hour nap. ahhaha

yeah. i am going to do that. good, night.

o and a want a gambian rat more than ever now. or one of the rats from the rat lab paul has. they were so fucking cute. and hugeee. not as big as a gambian but pretty damn large.

cmnt memories edit

::The reasons to why I'm so unstable:: [9.2.08 5:31pm]
Dear Journal,

yeah so this is a continuation of my earlier entry today. Now I'm just really fucking pissed.

I received like 3929829847 calls from mrs.lisa during class. and as soon as i got out the door she called again. it was to tell me the great information that i needed to get to title max and make a payment on my car since aparentally my dad had pawned the title to both mine and my brothers. without telling anyone. mrs.lisa said that she didnt know about it. and now i'm confused as to why the guy told me that they had been in there together before. I'm really angery. i work my fucking ass off(if only literally itd shrnk a bit) to bring in some money. i just get an apartment which will be taking a chunk out of my salary.plus monthly bills and i knew i'd have to now get insurance in my name. all together i was thinking 563=rent not very much for utilities maybe a hundred at most. 66 for comcast cable and net. plus insrunce which will be 100ish and food will probably depend on month but no more than 200 gas will for once be nothing since i won't go very far probably barly over 100. and now i will have to add in my 'car payments' to fuckin title max for 305 a month. lets add that up.
about 1435 a month. fuck i don't know how i'm going to do it. i mean maybe gas will be less and food too(since i'll be using anna's business sams card i can just stock up) hopfully. currently i make around that amount but if anything happened i'd be fucked.
shit and my phone. ewryh[opad

and just to move in to my apartment i might be lucky. 830 for deposit and rent(first month), 70 to get the water turned on. i have no idea how much to get my electricty on and food and 15 for my mailbox. and my phone bill is due.

hopfully between the check this week and next week i will have enough although i know that this weeks check will suck. i can skip out on anymore of my spanky's days. and at some points i may have to work on sundays. they keep asking me to workin sunday nights at spanky's. but i really think i need a day to rest.


but pauls being so sweet about everything. although hes been telling me to have nothing to do with my father anymore which pisses me off. he's been saying that he would help me with bills even though i refuse to let him. its not that i don't want to have him there like it comes off as but it more of me feeling the need to have my own personal space for the first time in forever. and having a place my friends can come and hang out for the FIRST TIME EVER. and he doesn't like my friends. auifhadjs

i'm soo tired and my head hurts and my stomach is growling and he wants to go talk with mrs. lisa tonight. i'm just soo exhausted. and the week hasn't even started yet. i really wanted to have enough money to put some in a savings account and also invest some. i cant see straight. i should be finishing my homework right now but i have to shuck my eyes for a few.
cmnt memories edit

::fucking hell:: [9.2.08 10:43am]
[ mood | confused ]

Dear Journal,

I can not keep my life up and running for even a fucking min.
This weekend was going well. Except paul and I got in a fight because i didn't come over as early as he thought i was while i was with my mom. because he doesn't like my mom and didn't know what me and her were doing. We were packing up things i would need for my apartment. she was giving me appliances and pots and pans and things i would just really need. So I ended up not getting to do what I wanted to do and surprise paul with the apartment =[

monday night once I had gotten here and we started fighting, I called my dad again trying to get intouch with him. finally someone answered. It was mrs.lisa telling me that they were getting a divorce and he wasn't there. I started bawling. for the second time in my life my family has split and this tme I don't know what my dad is going to do. he has nothing. i'm worried shitless about him. and don't really know what to do. I can't really help since I have my own business to atend to. I can't help him get on his feet. and I just really don't know what to do. And besides being super worried about my dad and his well being I now don't have car insurance. So I will be needing to get that. and if anything happens with my dad and depts my car is the only thing in his name. they would take it. and i need my car. so i need to have it switched into my name. and i will have to pay insurance plus my rent which shouldnt be too big of a problem. but it will make it harder to save up my money.

and the worst part is i can't get in touch withmy dad. he hasn't tried to call me at all. and he probaly wont he's too scaredd. he's got too much damned pride. i'm so fucking worried he's going to do somthing stupid. so very fucking worried.

Paul when he saw i was crying on the phone tried his best to comfort me. it worked for the most part at that moment. he got my mind off things by going swimming. and just keeping me busy for a while.

i've got to go to school now. and i hope i will be able to talk to my dad soon.

i really don't know whats going on.

cmnt memories edit

::odd:: [9.1.08 2:43am]
[ mood | awake ]

Dear Journal,

is it odd for me to be superrrrr fucking excited about toysrus getting smurf toys in soon? because i am soo excited. i used to be obessed with smurfs. gahh excited.

also odd. i had at least 2 shots of tequila(patrone), mixed with a half wine cooler(strawberry) to make a magrarita tonight and a shot of some other expensive item on top(cant remember the name for anything) and i didn't feel a think. =/ not tipsy in the least. if anything it made me wideeeee fucking awake. ahahhah

gahh rramblingggg

my sewing machine came in fridayyyyy. although i took it out of the box, i have yet to use it do to work and wanting to spend time with paul. =] tuseday after school i willlll~~~<3 since i'll get to sleep in and should be tired after it. i can't wait. first thing is a decepitcon patch for paul and the second is a goober patch.

bahhhh. out!

cmnt memories edit

::ermmm chinese foood yummmmy:: [8.19.08 10:17am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

DEar journal,

I really should get to working on my homework but i feel the need to write a bit on here first. So much has happened!!

Last week Paul's Japanese cousins came in to visit and stayed up here for 2 days and a night. It was Ami(18), Myuta(22), and there parents. I'm not sure how their parents spell their names because of the different pronoucations i was hearing so i will put those in later. =] Ahhhh i loved the them all though!! And no for any assholes reading this its not because they were 'omg japanese' its because the kids were both hot and just fun to hang out with. The first day they came to sav I met up with them at one of the malls. Ami is soooo fucking cute. Tiny with a cute face with freckles and curly(not super curly but kinda curly) brown hair with natural looking highlights. She's very earthy looking and is the first girl i've met that can pull off baggy overalls. She can speak english pretty well although she didn't seem confident. and the most said word as deffinitlly sugoi. Her brother Myuta was soooo handsome. =] tall for a Japanese guy, medium brown hair and just cuteeeee hhahahah He didn't speak much english but picked it up rather quickly while here. I wish I had gottten to speak with him more but I was honestly too scared to speak to him in Japanese for fear all totally messing up. The first day at the mall was kinda boring. That night though was quite fun!

when we got back to pauls house everyone seemed bored so I suggested that we try playing rockband. Ami had gone out for a min with her mom so Myuta started off playing first. He learned very quickly on Rockband. He was good on the drums but great on the quitar by the time we stopped playing. When ami came back we all started playing ahahah it was soo much fun. Trying to find songs that they would know and such. =] Afterwards we started playing on the wii since they do not have one at their home. Smashbrothers was up first and the only two people winning were paul and myuta. =[ we girls were just not that good. aahahha and then wii sports! it was so funny. The only thing I did well in was bowling. although i love wii bowling ahahha. it was jut a fun night. even with the somewhat language barriers we found ways to communicate and have a really good time.

Their parents also had fun that night, and went out drinking with paul's. they all came back toasted. ahahh and Ami and myuta's dad had to say (in reference of paul as the babyface and directed towards me)"You like babyfaccceeee??" (his wife)"Of course she does" (back to their dad)"NONONOOOOOooo you LOVEEEEEEEEEE babyfaceee!!" ahahahh he was a very hillarious guy in general. one of those guys that doesn't talk much but when he does its always a joke. I really think that those kids have a great home life. =] The next day had more shopping although this time it wasn't boring. And a very sad for me good bye. They were soo much fun to hang out with. just to sit back and play video games and such. =[ BAhh and saddly i have no pictures with the dyeing of my camera battery and the lostness of my charger =[ They're supposed to be sending back some pictures. I really hope sooooo.

My aunts wedding was that sat. Friday morning I drove all the way to tallehasse wih my mom and my dog. It was one of the most stressful trips I have ever taken. My aunt judy is very uptight. and i guess thats why i get stressed around her. plus when i got their i had to stand out front of her house and wait for everyone to say hello to my mom and forget about me out side for 5 min while i'm holding onto my dog since she swears that she'll fight with her dogs. finally she comes out and goes "oooo jessie!!! so nice to see you~ YOu ARE TAKING THOSE OUT TOMORROW RIGHT????!" in reference to my lip rings. not a nice way to greet someone who drove over 5hours just to come to your wedding. Don't get me worng i love my aunt but she can be a bitch. I loveeee my aunt betty though and my cousins!!!!

gahhhh my cousins chris and holly(betty's children) were there along with holly's children, Brennan, nolan, mason, and reagan. I love those little boys. soo cute and soo much fun and so much energy. I have much more to say on them but i really got to get this homework done, so i'll end with wedgy wars. =] thats how cool my cousins are ahhaha.

gahhh gotta gooo

ps:also i started school yesterday. X_X its going to be an awesome semester.

cmnt memories edit

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